New Year's Resolutions Part 2: Stop Shopping

You're probably looking at your calendar, wondering why I'm still talking about New Year's resolutions. That's because THIS PARTICULAR RESOLUTION WAS REALLY HARD, OK? I've been "practicing" at it for a few weeks, wondering if I can actually achieve my goal.

I want to stop clothes shopping in 2013. Yep, that's right, I don't plan on buying any clothes this year.

"But, Brittney," you might be saying, "you're a fashion blogger. How do you plan on keeping your blog alive?"

In response, I will reveal to you that

1) maybe it's time to take a break from the computer if you're talking to bloggers through your computer screen, and
2) my closet is on life support, and it needs this intervention. In fact, my closet is so messy and unorganized that I'm not even going to show you a real picture of it, because then you'd lose faith in me as a human being. Instead, enjoy this stock photo of a messy closet.

 (Source).

How did I reached this sad state of affairs? Well, it all started with a pair of pants...

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It seems stupid now, but back when I was younger, my family didn't have that much money, and I mostly wore hand-me-downs. One day, my mother presented me with a pair of pants that another girl had outgrown.

They were the perfect pants omfg. As soon as I put them on, I didn't want to take them off. They fit wonderfully, had a great flare, and were in a cool, dark wash.

Holy grail of pants. (Photo Source)

Some of the needle-eyed girls at school soon noticed that I would wear this pair of pants every day. They started marking my pants daily with a marker to prove that it was the same pair.

This irritated me, but because I loved those jeans to death, I would just go home and dutifully wash the marks off, and wear them again the next day.

By now, you are probably thinking that this is the lamest case of bullying you have ever heard of, but the pants were just the starting point. As I wrote about in my Esperanza entry, these girls would single me out for wearing "ugly" clothes or "weird" trends. They talked crap about me even when I was in the room, standing right next to them.

(Image source)

I was miserable during most of middle school, especially when I compared myself to these prettier girls, who seemed to have everything. Even though The Pants were not to blame for all the teasing and bullying that escalated later, they were always involved somehow.

For example, one of the girls so graciously sent me an email explaining why I was being bullied. Not surprisingly, her explanation consisted of calling me a "backstabber" and "liar" (which were the worst possible insults you could sling at someone in middle school!!!!1!!!1111).

Apparently, one of my reasons I deserved to be shunned was because I was lying about my family's finances and my limited clothing options:

Her email, quoted above. Click to see a bigger version.

Back to the present: I'd never really told anyone about this before (and now I'm telling the whole internet) but I finally realized how much of an impact that these girls had on my life when I recounted this story to my friends last week.

Because, as I was telling the story of The Pants, I suddenly blurted out "I just wanted to be like those girls. And that's why nowadays,  I buy everything I can get my hands on! Because I never want anyone to make fun of me for not having enough clothes, ever again."

And as soon as I said that, I felt a huge burden lift off my shoulders. As a child, I had never asked my parents why we didn't have enough money to buy nicer things, because my parents had bills to pay and silly things like clothes weren't as important as buying a home.

So the bullying I had struggled with silently all those years finally came out in that moment, and I realized the reason that I hoarded and shopped so much was because I wanted to look like those girls who had made fun of me. It was also a defense mechanism, because by accumulating enough things, I was hoping that the bullying would never return.

(Source)

Doesn't that sound pitiful? I felt really foolish after that realization. I was letting something that happened years ago define me and my future choices. I also felt disgusted. I never wanted to go shopping ever again!

After all, those middle school girls---who seemed to have it all---were not as happy as I thought they had been. Looking back, I can see that they had issues in their lives that I hadn't realized when I was 12. And now I am left with issues of my own that need to be resolved.

I need these shoes in every color, ok? (Photo Source)

To prove that I'm serious about this resolution, I even wrote a poem about the whole thing:

"I am sick of the things I own.

I am sick of the things in drawers, in piles

In stacks, in boxes.

The lip sticks, the blushes

The 24-hour-long-lasting-youth-regenerating-creamy-finish lipstick and glosses

The hangers in my closet with clothes dripping off their spiny shoulders

The boxes of Things I Will Eventually Wear Again in the corner, forming a mountain,
with handbags, scattered like boulders, at its feet.

(Source)

Every day,

I pass by my closet, my haven, the mecca of all my inspiration.

Each clothing rack inside is stuffed with colors, each pair of shoes is displayed proudly.
Each frill, each pair of sunglasses is perfectly in line

(I had six pairs of sunglasses, for heaven’s sake)

And each time I pass this altar to mass consumption, I think

What good is all this to me

When I cannot wear any of it?

If I were a child in a developing country right now, I would be dying because I would not have any clean water or food

What good to them is a new nail lacquer or a little bit of metal to hang on your ears?

(Image source)

Once, in my childhood, there were other girls who criticized me because I only wore one pair of jeans to school.

Who mocked me because I didn’t wear pretty clothes

They remarked loudly in class that my nails were dirty.

Those girls wore delicate makeup

They looked so carefree, flouncing around with new clothes, new boys, new gadgets, new things

I became certain of the fact that if I only had those things, I could be as weightless and beautiful and happy

Now, after years of collecting, like a magpie obsessed with shiny objects,

I realize that my life is a sham.

That all those magazines, tv commercials, blogs, and people

Have lied to me

I realize that, those girls may have had closets full of designer clothes and bags

But those things did not make them happy

Some of them are still not happy

And what’s even sadder, is that not many of them know why.

Now I know

That in order to purge myself of all my demons

I must first start with my closet

Now I know that

material things will not make me happy

Now I know that

You only really needed one pair of jeans anyway."

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And that's why this new year's resolution is my commitment to letting the past go, to organizing and maximizing the clothes in my closet and the things I already own. You guys can help keep me accountable!

After all, it's really easy to have a fashion blog if you buy new things to post every day, but I think it would be awesome to show you guys how I'm using what I already have to mix-and-match new looks each week.

I think that's the kind of inspiration I want to bring to the world, and I hope you'll join me as I try to tackle this resolution!

Thank you for reading,

Brittney